The treadmill of ‘doing’ and how to make it stop.
Time… As tiny children, we’re unaware of time. My daughter can still lose herself in an activity. While I’m saying it’s “time to get dressed”, she’s too absorbed in creating an invention out of pipe cleaners and Play-Doh to realise that my comment demands that she gets dressed now. In her mind, “Time to get dressed” means sometime soon.
Time is so fluid, so abstract, so ethereal for a child… it’s a beautiful thought, isn’t it? To not feel the pressure of the constant ticking, to not be aware of the sand slipping through the centre of our hourglass of life.
We need to teach our children about the concept of time, but we do it in such an imposed, oppressive, relentless way. Time to get up, breakfast time, time to brush your teeth, time to go, playtime, lunchtime, home time, time to see Grandma and Grandad, time for dinner, bath time, story time, bedtime… and all the many other times within the day.
Life becomes a schedule. A list.
So, as I gently remind my daughter for the fourth time that it’s almost bedtime, as she just wants to squeeze one more story into story time, I wonder when it all got so prescriptive.
My heart quickens when I feel overscheduled. My breathing becomes shallow. I feel a sense of panic.
So, when I struggle with the constant demands placed on me from over-scheduling and complain about how much there is ‘to-do’, I need to step back and ask myself – who created the schedule? Who pulled together the list? Who decided to get on this treadmill in the first place?
Oh, right. That would be me.
I am conditioned. So conditioned. From a lifetime of time. Time to… There’s always an action attached to a time.
Could there be a moment in my schedule that simply reads ‘time’?
- Time for what?
- Nothing.
- Time to do what?
- Nothing. Just time.
- Oh, so time to meditate.
- Nope, just time.
How completely beautiful and free would it be to have time? No definition. No label. No action.
I realise that I sometimes recreate this same need to schedule with my daughter. For what? Yes, she knows to be punctual, that some commitments are scheduled and we have to be there on time. But does her life have to be a list, planned in advance? No. It doesn’t. Does she need constant reminders that it’s time to do the next thing on the list? No. She doesn’t.
So what can we do?
1) Look at your own schedule. Where can you make space? Space to be rather than to do. You might find yourself wanting to plan something in this space – but leave it free and open to whatever you might need when you get there.
It might just be 10 minutes at the start of the day. You might want stillness, to curl up with a book, to gaze out of the window, to stretch, to dance… don’t plan. Just be. And feel what you need.
2) Listen to the words you use – with yourself and with children. How often does the word ‘time’ appear? Do you put yourself down when you don’t get much done? Do you focus on what you haven’t done rather than everything you have achieved?
Be aware of the narratives you weave around time and schedules. If you are creating this pressure for yourself, step back and look closely at how you can change things.
3) Ask yourself what really has to be done today? What has to be done at all? What can wait? What can be ditched from the list entirely? What can be done quicker or perhaps not as thoroughly as intended?
I first used this approach when I started in school leadership as I existed in fight/flight mode. It’s from the book ‘Getting Things Done’ and I use the labels Do, Defer, Delegate, Drop.
DO: If it takes a couple of minutes, I do it now.
DEFER: If I need a little longer, I schedule it in my diary.
DELEGATE: If it isn’t something I need to do but somebody else could help, I delegate it (look for those who can help you – perhaps it’s asking your partner to do something or enrolling the help of a friend or relative).
DROP: If it really doesn’t have to be done and there’s another way, drop it…or any of the other ‘D’ words you prefer – Dump, Ditch, Delete – just get those ‘nice to have’ jobs off your list!
4) Consider different ways to approach schedules/timing with children. Make statements or ask questions instead of using the ‘Time’ label. Some examples… Instead of “Time for breakfast” try “I’m hungry – let’s make some breakfast” or rather than “Time for school” try “Do we have everything we need before we set off?”.
Phrasing actions differently can help involve your child in the process rather than provide them with an order that is essentially pretty meaningless when the concept of ‘time’ is so fluid for our little people.
I wanted to share these reflections in case this resonates with you too. In simply being aware of the over-scheduling ‘trap’, we are already on our way to finding balance.
