“They need to be scared of you”
How about integrating kindness and compassion into school behaviour policies?
In my role as a senior leader of a secondary school, in charge of behaviour management, I was expected to be strict and stern. I would regularly run ‘Behaviour Management’ training sessions for new teachers, to explain and model how to deal with challenging behaviour. Anybody who knows a teacher or has been in teaching will probably have heard the phrase “don’t smile until Christmas” because… erm… Smiling could be seen as a sign of weakness? Your weakness might be taken advantage of? Who knows what would happen if you came across as a human being?
There was one problem with me in this role… I smile. I have weaknesses. I am human.
Nowhere in the behaviour policy, that my training was supposed to focus on, did it mention kindness or compassion. Yet this is a strategy I used daily to calm situations when students were angry, upset, or even shouting at me. Kindness and humour.
Many of our children in secondary schools do not receive kindness at home and need this modelling. However, it opposed my boss’ expectations of me: “They need to be scared of you”…
Do they? I’ve always founded my relationships with students on mutual respect. Not fear. So many children have enough fear in their lives. How about kindness and honesty and open expectations? It is often difficult to see clearly when we’re in ‘doing’ mode, and when managing difficult behaviour our mindfulness can easily be hijacked by the emotions of our fight/flight response. Sometimes students can make a trained professional teacher feel angry, frustrated, and weak… so it’s easy to slip into thought patterns of negativity – towards both the student and themself as a teacher.
However, it doesn’t have to be like this.
We can take a step back, stop for a moment, make the decision on how to react after a little breathing space. Behaviour policies often read like a list of ‘do this behaviour = get this sanction’, but we are human and the way we deliver this and act on it will be the factor that makes all the difference.
The sanction isn’t the issue.
The communication, intention, and interaction with the student as a fellow human being is.
Here’s an example, from personal experience when a 15-year-old girl had been sent to my office for swearing:
Student: But Miss was in my face telling me to work and I’ve had a bad day, so I said ‘f*** this’ and walked out.
Me: Ok, thanks for being honest with me. I really appreciate that. Do you think Miss was being unfair when asking you to work?
S: No, but I’m having a bad day, and she’s in my face.
Me: I get that. It’s really hard if you’re having a bad day to focus all day and be positive isn’t it… talk to me about your day.
S: (she’d argued with a friend, her dad sent her a horrible text message and she feels unwanted, she feels like she wants to punch a wall)
Me: Well done for getting through to this afternoon considering the day you’ve had! (I listened as she talked through her friendship issues/comments from her dad and we explored both of these areas in more detail) Now promise me you won’t punch a wall – the wall always wins.
S: Ok Miss (eye-rolling).
Me: So, coming back to what just happened in science, how do you think Miss feels after what you just said and did?
S: Rubbish. Like she’s bad at her job.
Me: Absolutely. So, what can we do to make that right?
S: I’ll apologise now and see if she’ll take me back in the lesson.
Me: That’s great. Would you like me to come with you?
S: Yes please.
Me: And in terms of swearing in class, what sanction would you give if you were me?
S: Oh Miss, I know what you’re doing now… I’ll be in detention tomorrow.
Me: It’s my job!
This genuinely worked really well – encouraging students to focus on what they can change, accept what they can’t, and helping them get there with a heavy dose of listening and kindness.
How this conversation could’ve gone, in the absence of kindness:
Me: I’m very disappointed in you. The behaviour policy clearly states, ‘no swearing’ and ‘to follow all instructions’. You have behaved very poorly and will be in detention tomorrow. I expect an apology to Miss before the end of the day.
S: F*** this (walks out)
The compassionate approach is far more time-consuming in the short term, but it works, and potentially saves so much more time in the long term.
I’ve modelled this in front of members of staff – most appreciate it, and I have had feedback saying it’s a breath of fresh air to take this leadership approach, but it doesn’t work for all. Some colleagues have mentioned that it could be perceived as weakness or avoiding dealing with the situation. It’s difficult to hear this, but I understand that the approach does oppose traditional thinking around discipline in schools and the role of the scary senior leader! Well, that’s just not me.
So, how about integrating kindness and compassion into behaviour policies?
